It should be day 3, but it’s not, it’s day 1, again…
For the first time I’m taking my sobriety more seriously I’m attempting to immerse myself in the world of the sober. I didn’t even know there was one. I’d say Ive been wanting to quit alcohol for a good year now. Maybe I always knew drink wasn’t good for me it never agreed with me but the past year or two has really taken me to the darkest places I’ve been.
Maybe it was after Becky killed herself the darkness started truly developing. I saw me in her a mum trying her best, with such great pain from the past and a lost look in her eye. My poor friend who took her life with her treasured kids in the house, I knew she was lost but I still drank with her. Hell, thats all we did. I still pushed her out of my door bottle of vodka in hand to face the night alone because I was so drunk myself. She was silently trying to scream for help and we all drowned our concerns in wine and orange liqueur.
Maybe it was when I had a breakdown and collapsed on the floor unable to walk properly for weeks, scared I was going to die with my kids in the room playing.
Maybe it was when I rang a friend and told her I was going to kill my self and she came with flowers and listened to me cry and drink wine at the kitchen table at 10am.
It was these times and the many, many others like it that started the downward spiral in to the black hole that has caused nothing but self loathing and no self love.
I still didn’t realise it was my addiction taking me to these depths of despair. I thought it was life, getting dealt a shit hand, my past, influence of others, mental health. It couldn’t possibly be my precious alcohol and drugs. After all they were my longest relationship.
Everyone does it right? Only bores and geeks don’t drink! How can you possibly fit in sober in a society of people who in the majority get plastered as it’s the norm? It’s a cool thing to do? Right? Right? Right? No it’s not cool it’s absolutely fucking boring that’s what it is! And I am finally ready to take control of my own happiness alcohol free!
So like I said I am taking it more seriously than ever because I understand if I am to continue with my behaviours I will teeter so close to the cliff edge that one day I will fall.
I’ve bought books, I’m making notes, I’m joining sober communities of people on the same journey, I’ve even started an instagram blog for my sobriety (slightly pretentious maybe, but makes me feel more accountable to myself and it’s therapeutic). So I’ve got all the gear I’m good to go yeah?
But alas here I am again on day 1 my first moments spent trying to piece the nights events together, that’s right I woke billy up after arguing with Michael and him going to bed. It was too early for me to go to bed there were beers left. We watched cartoons and I spent my last money on a late night takeaway I didn’t eat. I let him stay up until about 1 and passed out in my clothes. Great, I’ve done it again. Any cringey messages sent? Check Facebook…there they are drunk comments and likes awarded to everyone in my feed. Anxiety kicks in. And here comes the sickness. Once again I start my day with my head in the toilet.
It could be the bug the kids and Michael had last week, but it’s likely the however many lagers I consumed. I’m all too familiar with being here.
Why did I do it? I knew it would be a trigger, working a busy Saturday shift, finishing at 6pm (peak drinking time), Michael meeting me from work, being offered drinks by customers, watching them all stood with a cold one in their hand that I’m pouring for them.
My mouth starts to feel the thirst, the thirst that nags to be quenched by one thing and will not shut the fuck up and gets louder and louder until you silence it with its poison of choice. The itch that only addicts know. The fact that these thoughts becoming more and more consuming only clarify to me that I am indeed an alcoholic, a full blown raging barely functioning alcoholic.
I could have finished my shift and left, I could have bought an alcohol free beer, I could have chosen to change my situation I told myself over and over.
But I still found myself pouring the beer, putting it to my mouth. It tastes like shit. But my thirst doesn’t think so the drunk in me wants more and more and I give in and she takes over and it turns in to a trip to the shop for a crate.
The shame I feel is intense. But there is a definitive shift this time. I usually think well I’ve had a drink now might as well throw in the towel, face it, it’s hopeless, it’s too hard to stop drinking! Excuses. Big fat excuses to feed my addiction and neglect my true self.
This time I will not be defeated. I spent the day providing myself with love I deserve. I wrote notes, I read my books, I updated my Instagram, I had a bubble bath and a hot chocolate with squirty cream. I’m writing this. I feel inspired and refreshed and ready to face this challenge again.
Day 1 is better than day 0, no great thing ever comes easy and that’s what this is, a GREAT thing. The smooth sea does not make for a skilful sailor after all. Day 1 is positive day 1 is good and I am ready to give myself the life I deserve.
The Sober Barmaid x
The Sober Barmaid 