The Sickness

I feel sick. Not like when people say I’m sick of this or that’s sick.

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach a deep illness I can feel bubbling away sitting heavy all day.

It’s a physical manifestation of my body craving it’s usual diet of beer and cigarettes because that’s all the poor thing knew lately.

I felt sick when I woke up.

When I got ready for work.

When I walked there.

When I poured their drinks.

When I took on extra shifts.

When the man soiled himself.

When I came home.

When I walked the dog.

When I play with my child in the park.

I feel so fucking sick.

Although it would be easy to say I’m sick of myself and the fact I’ve put my body and mind in this sicky predicament, but what good does that do? Studies show addicts are more likely to succumb back to their old ways when they dwell on the negative and don’t give themselves positive reinforcement. So instead this addict is proud. I made it through another day sober and one surrounded by alcohol for 6 hours.

In Catherine Gray’s ‘The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober’ she tells us that whilst on our sober journey to care for ourselves as we would a small child. This has helped me a lot today. What did you do when you were sick as a kid?

I used to spend the day snuggled under a big blanket, watching whatever I want on TV, my Mum being super nice to me and eating ice cream all day. Those sick days were good days! So, this sick day can be too. I will wrap myself up and love myself out of this. I never understood truly why they call an addiction an illness, until today.

My sobriety is my comfort blanket. ✌🏼

The Sober Barmaid x