Enough

Here we go again then, day 1. How many times have I thought, said, written that? Day 1 but when will the time come that I really mean it? Is this my real day one. 

A year ago to the day I was flying off to Tenerife with my family, toying with sobriety at the time. I’d hit my rock bottom, multiple times in fact. Had read the books, started the blog started the Instagram. 

Even had a good 3 week alcohol free stint and I was feeling awesome for it. So of course I decided I had beaten my alcohol demon. I was cured! Hurrah. A couple in moderation wouldn’t hurt…..

So the night before we flew I gave in to myself and it started with a couple, followed by a holiday of both lovely sober nights with steak dinner in a romantic restaurant watching the sunset, and getting black out drunk nights with wandering the beach alone in the middle of the night and having to get reception to get me back in to my room (none of my family still know about this one, I realise how stupid and dangerous it was and the shame still burns). 

I had much preferred my sober time, the person I was becoming, the memories I was making and the way I was feeling. 

Yet my demon still won, the couple in moderation, followed by the ‘slip up’s’ became full time drinking again. 

Insert another year of toying with my desire to be sober, riding a physical and mental health rollercoaster yet continuing to drink here I am, back to day 1. 

I’m not quite sure what triggered that the time was now I needed to do this again. I knew way before my daughter fed me pizza last night because I was so drunk I couldn’t sit up. I knew before I woke up in the night feeling sick again. I knew before I spent another day waiting for it to be an ‘ok’ time to drink. I’ve known for a very long time. 

I haven’t hit rock bottom again, I know that place well I lived there for a long time but I’ve just realised I’ve so had ENOUGH. 

So here I am. Day 1 (again). I spend the day in my pj’s. I do minimal tidying up. I cuddle my family. I tell my partner how the drink is making me feel shit (again). He buys me detox herbal teas and cans of sanpelligrino. He drinks a beer while I stay strong. I download and start reading new sober lit. I online shop (must stop this one eventually too!). I watch binge worthy shit on TV. I log in to my sobriety Instagram account. 

And I’m writing. I’ve had to force myself but as soon as I begin to type the words flow and my body and mind feel light. I always have the desire to write yet the only thing that allows me or drives me as with many things is being sober. 

So I will continue to write, reflect and recover. I’ll continue to walk this path and really hope and pray this is my last Day 1 ❤️

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